Red state, blue state; some are large, one has Marge

by Gene Collier

A lot of Americans can steer past Presidents Day without even noticing it, even if they find it suspiciously odd that there is no mail.

But most American are not Marjorie Taylor Greene, congresswoman from Georgia, who celebrated Presidents Day by honoring her favorite president, Jefferson Davis.

“We need a national divorce,” Greene tweeted first thing last Monday. “We need to separate by red states and blue states and shrink the federal government. Everyone I talk to says this. From the sick and disgusting woke culture issues shoved down our throats to the Democrat’s traitorous America Last policies, we are done.”

Though this latest launch of ballistic lunacy from one of its most reliable sources drew vituperative responses from humans with working brains across the political spectrum, the media in general had better things to do last week than disseminate and disassemble the fact that a member of the United States House of Representatives and of its esteemed Homeland Security Committee had just advocated for the dissolution of the United States.

But I, for one, have nothing better to do, clearly, so here’s just a quick thumbnail analysis on the demerits of Marge’s little holiday missive.

When we separate by red states and blue states, which team will your state be on, Marge? Georgia voted for Joe Biden, laughed off Herschel Walker, recently sent a Jewish and a Black candidate to the U.S. Senate, and now its Fulton County district attorney’s office appears primed to be the first jurisdiction in America to indict Donald Trump.

Georgia might be a red state, but if so, it’s a red state with a serious case of the blues.

Moreover, be very careful what you wish for when it comes to shrinking the federal government, Marge, because last I looked, the states that rely most heavily on federal spending are most heavily red, fire-truck red, dynamo red, Trump’s-face-when-Fox-called-Arizona-for-Biden red.

Twelve of the top 15 most fed-dependent states were red when moneygeek.com ran the numbers last November, as were 16 of the top 25. Of the 11 states that rely on the federal government for more than 30% of their revenue, nine were red.

Also, next door in indisputably red Alabama (that’d be the state to the immediate west, Marge), they’re getting an additional $52 million from the U.S. Environmental Protection Agency to remove carcinogenic chemicals from the drinking water, which is on top of the $137 million Alabama is scheduled to receive thanks to President Biden’s infrastructure law.

Once our divorce goes through, where are you going to find that kind of money for Alabama’s problems and for acute needs in red state America coast-to-coast?

Jefferson Davis is dead, Marge, and though you didn’t specifically invoke his Confederate resume, he was president the last time the red states tried the stunt you just outlined, a stunt that begat the Civil War, which killed more than 600,000 Americans, woke and unwoke.

About eight hours after her initial divorce offer, Marge was apparently getting enough flak that there arose a need to restate her position, and that came in the form of negotiation: “Impeach Biden or give us a national divorce. We don’t pay taxes to fund foreign country’s wars who aren’t even NATO ally’s.”

While that offered no evidence that Marge was any closer to being placated or to knowing how to use an apostrophe or to spell “allies,” some detail would eventually emerge to indicate she’d worked through the implications of our messy divorce, and it was even dumber than the initial bleating.

“Of course, trade, travel and states relations would continue,” she tweeted. “However in red states, they could have different rules about product placement on national store’s shelves. In red states, I highly doubt Walmart could place sex toys next to children’s toothbrushes.”

Uh-huh. I guess if you’ve been wondering about what Marge could be thinking, it’s at least partially about where the sex toys go. Blessedly, she’d moved on by midday Tuesday, criticizing Biden for being in Ukraine instead of East Palestine, Ohio, where red state officials initially declined assistance from the Federal Emergency Management Agency.

This particular strain of uninformed self-defeating doubletalk might make you think Marge is running for president, or at least for the vice presidential slot on the 2024 Republican ticket, a Lady and the Trump moment that will do nobody any good.

Fear the Gazpacho.

Gene Collier is an award-winning columnist for the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette.