Last Monday, I sat down at my desk to see an email with hands down the most tempting subject line I have seen in my life.

“Ever want to look taller?” it read.

“Are you kidding me?,” I said aloud to my screen. “Only every second of every day since about birth.”

I tell you, in absolute truth, my stubby little fingers could not click on that message fast enough.

Not that I held out much hope, mind you — when you’re a shorty, you’ve pretty much heard it all. Dress monochromatically. Wear heels. Get a good tailor. Ditch the big belts. Rock some vertical stripes.

Believe me, I’ve tried everything. Particularly since my research into leg-lengthening surgery yielded such painful-looking results.

And I’ll let you in on a little secret. None of them actually work. But hey. My hope springs eternal.

Or at least my self-loathing does, so, you know. Same thing.

Anyway, I was in for yet more mystery as, once opened, it contained very little information about the proposed miracle at hand.

“In 4 days — our new height-boosting denim. EVERLANE.”

That’s it. No photos, no links, no release. Nothin’.

Well, I thought, there’s that. Then I made a note on my calendar for four days hence.

“Supposed ‘tall jeans’ come out on Everlane,’ ” I wrote. “Check back.”

Ninety-six hours later, that’s exactly what I did.

Turns out, this particular magic bullet of tallness was nothing more than a pair of high-waisted mom jeans, cut in a slight flare, cropped just above the ankle, and left with a frayed hem.

Luckily, they had a 5-foot-9-inch-tall model available to show me how flattering they would be on my 5-foot-1-inch frame. You know, in case I had any lingering doubts about their powers.

“Your most leg-lengthening jean,” the description reads. “Our Kick Crop features a subtle kick-flare at the ankle and is made of our premium 11 oz. Japanese denim with a touch of stretch. Plus, we added a stay stitch so the raw hem stays put through repeated washes. Magic jeans? We think so.”

The raw hem, it notes, is so that buyers can “cut to your perfect leggy length.”

As if short women — you know, the ones you’d think these were made for — haven’t been cutting the bottoms off their pants forever. And hating it. How dare we short freaks think we deserve hems?

As a shrimpy shrimpo who really wanted to be impressed here — I mean, who marks the launch of new jeans in her day planner? — I have to say, I’m a little disappointed.

So I only ordered them in three colors, instead of all four.

What can I say? I’m like the Fox Mulder of size issues.

I want to believe.

Katie M


Dowell is a lifesytles writer/copy editor for The Dominion Post. Email her at